Something Smells

Chris: You're sort of troubled, a little bit, by what you see ahead, only because there seems to be choices to be made. It descends down into a corridor, the walls of which are kind of made of loose-fitting stones with black mildew growing between them. There's... There's a smell comin' up from here, and it's not pleasant. It smells like something died.
Scott: Ugh.
Chris: Maybe a long time ago, but... it's not good.
Scott: I'm perception-ing that.
Jerry: Take us in, helmsman.
(Scott rolls.)
Scott: Ooh! That's a 16 Perception roll.
Chris: That is pretty darn good.
Scott: Thank you. For once.
Jerry: My mother always said that I had good Perception rolls.
Scott: Did she?
Jerry: No... If she did, I couldn't detect it.
Mike: H'ohhhh!
...
Jim: Jim's gonna try something here.
Chris: You also hear something. Not coming from down that way, but coming from down this way. You hear a sound, like, "uhhhhhh-ghhh-ghhhh. uhhhhhh..."
Omin: Th...They might be doing it.
Jim: Jim wants to try something.
Scott: Alright.
Jim: Before he follows you in here... I am going to cast Ghost Sound.
Chris: Okay.
Mike: And, let's just make a sound somewhere in the center of the room.
Jerry: What sound?
Mike: "With a wink, Jim creates an illusory sound that emanates somewhere close by." Do I get to decide what type of sound?
Chris: Yah! You sure do.
Mike: I would like for it to be the sound of a party's footsteps.
Scott: Ooooh!
Chris: Very good.
Mike: This isn't my first--Well, actually, this is my first time, but...
Jerry: To the dance. To the dungeon dance.
Chris: That seems to garner a reaction from whatever is making that moaning sound to the left there.
Jerry: I am incredibly proud.
...
Mike: I'm gonna do Scorching Blast. So, I roll my attack first...
Chris: You do.
(Mike rolls and hits two zombies.)
Mike: So now I do 1d6+4 fire damage... 6, so that's 10.
Chris: Alright, they both take the same damage, and--
Mike: A vertical column of golden flames erupts... and burns ALL within!
(Jerry snorts loudly.)
Chris: You incinerate them both, and they collapse into heaps of flesh and bone.
Scott: Geeeez!
Jim: Jim thinks... that you guys are pretty ******* lucky he's here!
Chris: And you hear more sort of moaning sounds from that chamber.
Omin: I, I just... We'll wait. Jim. If you wanna.
Scott: Yeah. Seriously. Rinse and repeat!
Mike: I'ma 1-man this instance.
Jerry: It's in heroic mode.

Searching for the Other Goblin

Chris: There are also two really cruddy-looking beds with sort of lice hopping up and down on them, that the goblins apparently were using.
Scott: Perrr-cep-tionnn! Roll!
Mike: Nice job.
Scott: I am not walking into an empty room again. I'm not gonna do it every round.
Chris: "They were under the beds, I knew it!"
Scott: 9 plus 2 equals 11.
Chris: Ehh, you're like, "What blood trail?"
Jerry: I'm gonna rock that Perception as well.
(Jerry rolls.)
Jerry: And I don't do it. But I definitely flip these beds over, with my mace.
Chris: You see that the goblins have put sort of all kinds of unsavory collectibles under their beds.
Jerry: Pokemon cards?
Chris: Heh, yes, Pokemon cards.
Scott: Hey, is that a competing product?
Chris: All kinds of things, umm...
Jerry: PlayGob.
...
Chris: If you guys are gonna go down the stairs, in pursuit of the goblin, I am going to erase this map...
Mike: Yeah, we're gonna go after him.
Scott: Hell yeah.
Chris: He may lead you to Irontooth. You never know.
Jerry: I still hold that he is Irontooth. That they came to see us up front. Like an evil maitre d'.
Chris: What you know of goblins would tell you that that's probably unlikely. They tend to be cowardly conniving little buggers.
Jerry: Well that guy was more powerful than any member of our party.
Mike: Except Jim.
Jerry: With the exception of Jim!
Scott: Alright. Take it easy, Jim.
Jerry: Ease down, tiger.
Chris: Yes. Don't get a big head or anything, because you can't roll 20's forever.
Scott: Those 1's are comin'!
Jerry: There are at least five 1's on this dice. At least. I don't even see a 12.

Acquisitions Inc. Kills a Goblin

During an exhausting encounter with a measly two goblins:

Mike: Jim is going to cast Magic Missile! So I get +2 because he's prone?

Chris: Not on a ranged attack. In fact, on a ranged attack, he is harder to hit because he's prone.

Mike: So I get a minus?

Chris: Yes, -2.

Jerry: You need to roll good.

Chris: He's less of a target when he's lying flat on his stomach.

(Mike rolls.)

Mike: 11 plus 4 is... 15.

Chris: That would normally hit him. Unfortunately, because he's prone, that misses.

Jerry: This is the worst party...

Scott: I set him up for you.

Mike: You guys actually, like, get together and do this for fun?

Scott: Yeah!

Chris: What you guys really need are two more members, and you'd be owning these guys. Uhh, so he stands up over there. What's he gonna do, what's he going to do...?

Jerry: Kill the entire party!

Mike: Apparently! We're not gonna leave this room!

Scott: I'm falling in pits. We're gettin' owned by two goblins.

Mike: And these are the stupid goblins they keep up here to guard the door!

Chris: He will stay where he is, and he will hurl a javelin at you.

Scott: Who's "you"?

Chris: He'll attack the cleric. He rolled a natural 1.

Scott: Awesome. Finally. A break.

Chris: And it is Binwin's turn.

Scott: Alright. I'm just gonna swing at him with my maul. And I'm obviously going to miss, with this natural 3.

Mike: We're a bunch of idiots!

Scott: When Kiko edits this together, have him put Yakety Sax to this encounter.

...

Jim: Alright. Jim is tired of this ****.

Scott: He better be.

Jim: Jim is takin' it to 11.

Jerry: To the next level?

Jim: To the next level.

Jerry: With Acid Arrow?

Mike: No! That's my daily power. Are we gonna take a nap after this? "Alright, guys, I'm spent."

Jerry: "I'm out. Let's go."

...

Scott: 16 vs. armor class.

Chris: That's a hit!

Scott: Alright.

Mike: Is this guy dead? Come on.

Scott: Hold on, yeah, I'm gonna 2d6+3 him.

(Scott rolls.)
Chris: Alright... You decapitate him.

Mike: Woooo!

(Mike claps.)

Jerry: With a maul, which is actually hard to do!

Chris: Yes.

Mike: Alright, now I see why you guys play this.

Jerry: We killed some goblins! We killed one goblin. And some rats.

Chris: You've killed one goblin.

Scott: Yay!

The Darkmagic Magic

Chris: When you get to the edge, and you look down over the pit, you see him lying face-down in this swarm of black furry creatures over top of him.
Jerry: Oh, geez.
Scott: Do you have any Dispel Rats? In your cleric arsenal?
Mike: Hahaha!
Scott: How does your god feel about rats? Maybe a quick prayer?
Jerry: Yeah, I'll send her a memo.
...
Mike: Jim would like to cast Scorching Burst. "A vertical column of golden flames BURNS all within!"
Chris: Roll your d20 and add 4, and I will compare--
(Mike rolls a 20.)
Jerry: **** yeah!
Scott: What the hell!
Mike: I'm super good at D&D.
Scott: Hahahaha!
Mike: I told you, the Darkmagics, as a family--
Scott: I will never doubt! Listen.
Mike: You haven't adventured with the Darkmagics before, obviously.
Scott: My thing said that I'm dependable, but...
Chris: You see this sort of scorching blast of fire all around, and miraculously not a single flame even touches you.
Scott: Wow. You roasted 'em. You saved my bacon!
Chris: So, congratulations. You cause these rats to scream.

Binwin Go Down Da Hole

Chris: At the bottom of the stairs, you see that these stairs sort of spill into a chamber supported by four pillars that support the ceiling, and the ceiling is about 10' high. The walls seem to be of loose mortared stone, and the place is dusty and clearly abandoned and has been exposed to the elements for years. What would you like to do?
Scott: Binwin's time to shine!
Chris: Would you like to make a Perception check since you're in the lead?
Scott: Yes, I would like to make a Perception check. Thanks for leading me into that!
...
Scott: Listen. It's clearly safe to move forward, so I'm ready to enter in.
Chris: Okay. Move your figure where you like.
Scott: I'm gonna move...Chris: Okay, stop.
Mike: So, how far can he move? Like, was that his turn? I don't understand what's happening.
Chris: You're not in combat yet, so you can just sort of move wherever you want.
Scott: And then he'll stop me when something happens.
Chris: So, when you get there, you guys on the stairs see him moving cautiously through the room, and then he disappears through the floor.
Jerry: Oh, ****.
Mike: Jim leaves.
Chris: You see this big billowing pile of dust and what appears to be a stone-colored piece of canvas sort of collapse all around him as he plunges into a pit.
Jim: Nice job, Bibwin.
Binwin: It's Binwin!
Chris: And the dwarf makes some sort of noise like, "Oh! HWAAAAH!--boof" as pieces of timber and other things fall on top of his head.
Jerry: But it's a hard sound, not a soft wet sound like it's full of spikes.
Chris: Well, he's in armor, so it's this sort of clattering, crunching noise.
Binwin: I've found a trap!
Jerry: "It's safe now!"
Binwin: My fall-into-holes skill has served me well.
Chris: You take some damage falling into this 10' deep pit, and you basically land prone on your face.
Scott: Oh, yikes.
Jerry: I start to consider the "positions open" ad I'm going to post.
Chris: You take 5 points of damage.
Scott: Hm. What's 31-5?
Mike: You have to do math??
Jerry: Some math.
Mike: You did not tell me there would be math.
Jerry: It's a very reasonable amount of math.
Chris: And then, almost immediately, you feel small creatures crawling all over your body, and they sort make sounds like,
(Chris makes a truly impressive rat squeaking sound.)
Jerry: That's incredible!
Binwin: Raaat kiiing! Raaaaaat kiiiiiing!

Skillz, In-Game and Out

Mike: This reads very much like a tactics game.
Jerry: Yeah, doesn't it?
Chris: Well, the powers being attack powers, of course, and being the fact that your'e sort of playing on a minis battle grid, there is a lot of tactics involved. As you will soon see...
Scott: ...Wha?? We gonna figh--Wha?
Chris: You descend the staircase, and you see that the bones on the stairs appear to be, like, small animal bones.
Mike: Do any of them have iron teeth? I'm just saying, someone should check.
Chris: Then, what I'd like you to do is make a Perception skill check. On the back side of your sheet are your skills, and they're in a table. And Perception should be listed in there somewhere. Whenever you're asked to make an attack roll or a skill check or anything like that, you're always sort of rolling the same die, and it's the 20-sided die.
Mike: Guys, this is my first time rolling...
Scott: For reals??
Mike: For real, I've never--
Scott: I have to tell you, I find it hard to believe that you've never played Dungeons & Dragons.
Mike: Well, I'm not a huge nerd.
Jerry: It's important to roll well, or you will curse the dice forever.
...
Chris: In D&D, high rolls are always good.
Mike: So, I'm actually rolling because I said I wanted to look and see if they had iron teeth?
Scott: Yeah! See, that's a good DM right there. You were making a joke? But he's turned that retarded-ass joke...
Mike: Well, it was a pretty good joke.
Scott: Well? I mean, you know. It was pandering to the audience.
Mike: So whatever I roll, I'm gonna add +1 to it.
Jerry: Exactly.
(Mike rolls.)
Scott: Oh my god, your first roll is a 20!
Mike: Hahahaha! That's cool!
Scott: I mean, modified, but still!
Chris: You're able to take a look at the bones, and actually you see something. You don't see an iron tooth, but you see something else. You're pretty sure that these scattered bones were kind of left here deliberately, and that they have been gnawed on. That something lives down here and it basically feeds on animals and it scatters their bones on these stairs, and you also notice, as you're going down the stairs, that you're actually stepping on a few of them, and they're making soft crunching noises.
Jerry: Oh, I see. It's like an alarm system. It's like an old-school alarm system. I gotcha. Hey, do you mind if I roll my Dungeoneering? And make a guess at what would set up a trap like this?
Chris: You sure can.
Mike: What are you doing?
Scott: Wow.
Chris: He's got the Dungeoneering skill. He's gonna make a skill check and add his bonus there.
Mike: I've never even heard of "Dungeoneering". Is that like spelunking?
Scott: It means it's not his first time to the rodeo.
Mike: Oh, okay.
Chris: Yeah. Like, for instance, if you want to sort of study an underground chamber to see if there's a secret door there...
Mike: So, he's been in dungeons before, he knows about dungeons...
...
Mike: So, did you succeed?
Jerry: We'll find out.
Scott: We don't know.
Chris: Goblins. Definitely goblins.
Scott: ...I would have not even known to do that! I'm SO screwed!

Not Everyone is Fond of Owls

Chris: You see a staircase going down, into the hill. And you see there are some bones on it.
Mike: "Jim wants to go in."
Jerry: Jim says.
Scott: Is that Jim saying that, or are you telling...?
Mike: Jim speaks about himself in the 3rd person. 
Scott: I gotcha.
Mike: He has a very high opinion of himself.
Chris: The air is kind of cool, and you hear this owl hooting off in the distance.
Jim: Jim is terrified of owls.
Chris: I understand.
Jerry: I wrote that down.
Mike: An owl killed Jim's grandmother, actually.
Scott: Is this your character development?
Mike: Yeah, and so Jim really wants to go downstairs right now.
Scott: To escape the owls.
Jerry: Gina Darkmagic?
Chris: It is said that this forest has dire owls.
Mike: Dire fel owls!
Jerry: With 40' wingspan.
Scott: I notice how you've put me in front, 'cause I'm the fighter.
Jerry: I did move your figurine in front of my figurine, close to the stairs. And I see that Jim Darkmagic...
Mike: Jim's taking up the rear. He's keeping an eye on the back door.
Scott: In case of owls.
Mike: In case of owls.
Scott: Those things get caught in your hair? That's trouble.
Mike: Did you know that owls actually eat your teeth? They'll eat the teeth right out of your head.
Jerry: And then just fly away?
Mike: And then fly away, they don't even care.
Jerry: Really!
Mike: It's true.
Scott: G****** ivory merchants.

Rat Kings

Chris: I mean, it's possible that a creature like Irontooth--And you suspect at this point that he might be a particularly tough goblin, maybe a hobgoblin, which is like a bigger goblin.
Jerry: A supergoblin. It's like two goblins standing on top of each other.
Scott: You ever heard of a rat king? Where the rats are so packed together, their tails actually grow together. That's what a hobgoblin is. It's kind of like a rat king.
Mike: Is that a real thing?
Scott: You've never heard of a rat king?
Mike: No.
Scott: Yeah! It's in New York all the time. The rat population in urban cities are so great, that they have nowhere to go, and they actually grow, they fuse together.
Jerry: What.
Scott: They can't separate. It's called a rat king.
Mike: They walk around as one giant rat? That's the most terrifying thing! That's not true!
Scott: That's true!
Mike: That's like alligators in the sewer.
Scott: No, that's true. Rat king is true.
Mike: No, it's not true.
Jerry: Have you ever heard of an alligator king? It's when a bunch of alligators--
Scott: Listen. You can mock the rat king.
Mike: "But some day, he'll come for you!"

The Terrible Irontooth

Mike: So where are we? Do we meet at an inn?
Jerry: Or maybe at our corporate headquarters, which is the inn.
Chris: Well, the adventure is sort of taking place around a small village, a fortified village called Winterhaven. This place is one of those very very faint points of light in the darkness I was talking about, and they've been having a lot of problems of late.
Jerry: So it's an opportunity to build some PR, basically.
Chris: Absolutely. You guys want a reputation? Here's a great place to build one. And Winterhaven is remote enough, but it's on a trade road, so it does have some stuff going on there. But there's a lot of trouble around there. They've been having it for a long time. Actually, we're gonna sort of jump in the middle of things here and say that you've already had a few encounters with some of the local wildlife.
Jerry: Okay, so when you say wildlife, do you mean animals or do you mean horrible monsters?
...
Chris: You've learned, while kicking the crap out of goblins and kobolds, that they were taking their orders from a figure named Irontooth.
Jerry: Okay. So we know that he has at least one tooth, and that it is made of iron.
Mike: Probably iron.
Jerry: I'm gonna write this down.
Mike: You're taking notes?
Jerry: Okay, Iron... okay, tooth. Okay, I gotcha. Alright, I'm good.
Chris: And you...
Mike: Can I roll to kill Irontooth?
Chris: ...What's that?
Mike: Can I roll, to see if I kill Irontooth?
Chris: You actually haven't had any luck finding him.
Mike: Oh, okay. I was gonna say, we could get this over with real quick.
Jerry: "I dunno. I'm Jim Darkmagic."
Scott: "Maybe you're not familiar with how the Darkmagics do things. We don't **** around."

Naming the Company

Jerry: I think we're ready to roll.
Chris: Excellent.
Jerry: So, it's fresh. The articles of incorporation have just been signed. We've put it together. We're ready to--
Mike: What's our company name?
Scott: What's our company name?
Jerry: We need a company name, don't we?
Scott: We should put your god's name in it. What's your god's name again?
Chris: Avandra.
Jerry: Avandra is good, but this is--We have her endorsement, but I think that this is a more mercenary endeavor. It has to be something that communicates some of our services but also is inviting to the person who is, you know, looking at the advertisement.
Scott: Kill & Gold Incorporated.
Jerry: Let's see. Uhh. That's... brazen? And I'm looking for something that has a little more...
Scott: 'Cause I thought, we like to kill. And we like gold. And we are incorporated.
Jerry: We are incorporated. I don't mind "Incorporated".
...
Mike: Do our characters need motivation?
Chris: The adventure may provide some of that. Once you sort of realize what you're up to. You may have some other motivations on the side.
Mike: I've got some motivations. That you don't know about yet.
Jerry: You're mysterious.
Chris: As a wizard, you're an arcane character, and your powers come from the Arcane power source, essentially, which is a little bit different flavored from the cleric's Divine power or the fighter's Martial power. Your powers feel very magical, and wizards generally like to acquire new staffs and wands and orbs.
Mike: Stuff.
...
Jerry: Well, I'm ready. I've formed the articles.
Mike: What's our name?
Jerry: Acquisitions Incorporated. I feel like it's very tasteful. It's going to appeal to multiple levels of society, as long as they know what the word "acquisitions" means.

Naming the Party

Jerry: I still need a name. Did you choose a name?
Mike: Yeah.
Jerry: What is your name?
Mike: I am Jim Darkmagic.
Jerry: Oh, come--Jim... Darkmagic...
Scott: Nooo... What? Why don't you just name yourself Chet Awesomelaser?
Mike: Okay.
Scott: No.
Mike: I'm from the New Hampshire Darkmagics. It's a long line. It's a very renowned family of magicians.
Scott: What was your name again?
Mike: Jim Darkmagic. Seriously, you've never heard of the Darkmagic family?
Jerry: "We're kind of a big deal."
Mike: Heheh!
Scott: In the dark magics?
Jerry: Listen, I'm gonna need to make a name that is twice as ridiculous just to make up for "Jim". There's gonna have to be, like, five X's.
Mike: There's nothing wrong with Jim.
Jerry: Jim is good. Is it short for something?
Mike: Jimmy.
Jerry: James.
Mike: James Darkmagic the 3rd. Would you rather it be Jim Felmagic? Would that be better?
Jerry: I think "fel" is a step up!
Mike: Alright, fine, I'll change it to Felmagic.
Jerry: Nonono, no, I like it now.
Scott: You gotta stick with Darkmagic now.
Jerry: Stick to your guns, or wands, or whatever.
...
Mike: What's your name, Scott?
Scott: Maynard Shortypants! Uh.
Mike: Are you making fun of me?
Jerry: "I'm short!"
Scott: I chose Binwin Bronzebottom... Sorry. I wanted an alliteration. It sounded dwarfy.
Jerry: No, listen, you lose abilities if you have a dwarf and don't alliterate.
Scott: Yeah. Well, Binwin is a D&D name I've used for a long time. And then I chose "Bronzebottom" 'cause they always have, like, compound words, but I wanted to put "butt" in there somewhere.
Mike: I like it.
Jerry: *snort* "But I wanted to have an old-school butt, so I went with 'bottom'. It's a sturdy bottom."
Scott: He chuckled at it. I'm don't know if he likes it or dislikes it.
Chris: That's the type of name that might end up in, oh, say, a D&D product one day.
Scott: "Binwin Bronzebottom"?
Mike: Jim Darkmagic won't?
Chris: Uh. Well? Let me write that down.
...
Mike: I shoulda gone with Felmagic.
Scott: No, you got a call from Blizzard. "Fel is our word for dark magic! 'Cause it's fallen! It fell!"
Mike: I coulda done Jim Feldark.
Scott: Fel-dark...magic...bad.
Mike: Jim Darkfel.
Scott: Jim Dark-fel-bad...ominous!
Jerry: Your first name should be Fel! "Fel... Darkjim!" I mean, I would turn it around.
Mike: Yeah? Or Fel Darkevil.
Scott: How about... Ominous Darkfel...bad.
...
Mike: What's your name?
Jerry: Omin Dran! But it's like O-m-i-n, not like the word.